Trump Brings Chess Set to Putin Summit
Eye Gazing and Agreements in Alaska
By Rip Diplomacy, Foreign Affairs Correspondent
Anchorage, Alaska — August 15, 2025
President Donald Trump, who has characterized negotiating with Russian President Vladimir Putin as “like chess,” brought his favorite set to the two leaders’ summit in Anchorage, Alaska, on Friday.
“I jump his pieces, reach the end, and say, ‘Vladimir, king me.’,” Trump said.
“Some might call this checkers, but like unemployment numbers, the President decides what’s true,” said Secretary of State Marco Rubio.
After chess, Trump proposed poker. Putin cleaned up, as Trump repeatedly showed his cards.
“He floated land swaps and begged for a Zelenskyy meeting before negotiations even began,” smirked a Putin aide, referring to Ukrainian President Vladimir Zelenskyy. “That legitimized our main objective and divulged his. Checkmate.”
Soul Gazing
Observers attributed the ease at which Trump and Putin came to several agreements to GOP presidents’ willingness to trust Putin after looking into his eyes.
In a 2001 summit in Slovenia, President George W. Bush famously said, “I looked [Putin] in the eye. I found him to be very straightforward and trustworthy. We had a very good dialogue. I was able to get a sense of his soul.”
“They think I have a soul!” US intelligence later caught Putin laughing.
In 2018, Trump said at a joint press conference that while he had “great confidence in my intelligence people,” he believed Putin’s “extremely strong and powerful” denial of 2016 election interference.
Ahead of the Anchorage summit, Rubio said it “was important to…look [Putin] in the eye” and see “what was possible and what isn't.”
“Look into my eyes," Putin told Trump on Friday before making them swirl like Looney Tunes.
“It’s like he hypnotizes them,” said a State Department official.
Landmark Agreements
Whatever the source of Trump and Putin’s rapport, the Anchorage summit concluded with several agreements:
Russia will get parts of Ukraine in a land swap with the United States in exchange for Canada, Greenland, and the Panama Canal.
Sydney Sweeney has good jeans and good genes. Also Taylor Swift is not that hot anymore.
Russia did not interfere in the 2016 presidential election. In fact, presidential elections in general are unnecessary.
If you do have elections, it’s nice to let someone else occasionally serve a term while you remain the power behind the scenes—but also totally legitimate to extend it by amending your constitution.
Russia should keep looking for Hillary's emails in US government computer systems.
Militaries can be used to pacify opposition held cities.
That Zelenskyy guy is really annoying and should definitely NOT be invited to the next summit.