Trump Creates Bureau of Loyal Statistics
Also fires annoying kid who pointed out invisible clothes
By Suze Spendwell, Economics Correspondent
Washington, D.C. — August 8, 2025
In a bold move to restore truthiness to US government data, President Donald Trump on August 1 dismissed Commissioner Erika McEntarfer and replaced the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) with the Bureau of Loyal Statistics (BLS).
Vice President JD Vance, who last week praised Labor Statistics data, said he supports the firing. When asked if he had concerns over the integrity of government data, he replied, “Only when it’s inconvenient.”
On Meet the Press, National Economic Council Director Kevin Hassett doubled down on the administration’s “alternative facts” approach:
“Look, data is subjective, and these numbers didn’t properly support President Trump’s agenda. The president has a very good sense for numbers. He makes up polling data for One America News Network, reports his own golf scores, and has shown he can estimate a crowd better than anyone. His 1.5 million estimate for his first inaugural was only off by a million. In loyal statistics that’s basically correct.”
New Methodology Will Better Capture Administration’s Vibe
Instead of nationwide surveys, the new BLS will issue monthly labor reports based on a composite score derived from:
A vibe meter located in the Oval Office;
The Gut Instinct Index (GII), a scientific gauge of loyal citizens’ good feelings, and;
What “everyone is saying.”
The BLS then multiplies this score by a Patriotic Adjustment Factor equal to Trump’s body mass index to derive new labor statistics.
“The new methodology allows us to forecast with 100% accuracy what job numbers will be over the next month, year, and remainder of President Trump’s term – without needing revisions,” said Dr. Lyle Bias, Director of the Department of Selective Sampling and Confirmation.
August labor statistics, according to Bias, will show:
Unemployment at -10%, “because some people hold more than one job.”
Job growth=∞, because the metric includes anyone thinking about work.
Inflation=0, since “things cost what they cost.”
Consumer confidence at 500% (Truth Social survey question: “Are you grateful for President Trump’s economic leadership?”)
Fabri Kate Named New BLS Chief
Trump tapped Dr. Fabri Kate to replace McEntarfer as BLS commissioner. Kate holds a doctorate in Patriotic Numerology from Trump University, where she wrote her dissertation about “Proactive Factual Re-Alignment.”
Before her appointment, Kate was the Chief Metrics Officer at the Institute for Alternative Facts, founded by former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer.
In 2018, Kate told Fox News that “data should uplift the national mood, not confuse it with nuance.” She is a noted expert in "Quantum Economics," where a job number can be both good and bad at the same time depending on who's asking. She has also advocated for “faith-based forecasting.”
Chip Chilla Replaces Disloyal Child
In what White House spokeswoman Karoline Leavitt assured Ridiculocracy was a totally unrelated development, President Trump also fired the child from The Emperor’s New Clothes for “spreading fake news” about his apparently nude press conference announcing McEntarfer’s dismissal.
The child has been replaced by Chip Chilla, the homeschooled chinchilla from the conservative Bentkey children’s network, who teaches kids about patriotism, invisible textiles, and how to politely ignore inconvenient facts.
“President Trump was wearing very real, very strong clothes,” Leavitt said. “You just couldn’t see them because, as the tailors who made his suit assured us, the cloth is invisible to the mainstream media, socialists, and people with integrity.”
“Chip Chilla is a very loyal animal,” Trump Truthed. “He never questions my outfits, my voter numbers, or my golf scores. Unlike that nasty kid. Probably Antifa.”