Trump Appoints RFK Jr as Chief Statistician after “Unfair” August Labor Report
Kennedy will lead the Bureau of Loyal Statistics overseeing all federal data.
By Suze Spendwell, Economics Correspondent and Misty Placebo, Health Reporter
Washington, DC – September 9, 2025
Vowing to “Make the Numbers Great Again,” President Donald Trump announced that Robert F. Kennedy Jr. will head the new Bureau of Loyal Statistics (BLS) to ensure that federal jobs data “don’t contradict what everyone says is the greatest economy ever.”
The appointment comes after the old Bureau of Labor Statistics reported lower than expected numbers for August, and Kennedy’s congressional testimony earned plaudits from hydroxychloroquine enthusiasts and the WiFi sensitive.
“Despite overwhelming scientific evidence, Bobby continues to claim that vaccines cause autism. He lied to Congress about restricting vaccine access. He’s perfect!” Trump exclaimed, announcing Kennedy’s appointment.
“Bobby is not afraid to ask tough questions like, 'Will this labor report make us look bad?' and 'Can we add a few zeros to that number?’” Trump added. “He knows that sometimes the truth needs a little...enhancement. Like women."
Critics have raised concerns about Kennedy’s qualifications, noting he wears a 5G-blocking amulet and exercises in jeans. They also worry about him heading BLS in addition to the Department of Health and Human Services.
Supporters hailed the move as a bold step toward “post-factual governance” and the “triumph of narrative over evidence.” White House officials noted that Marco Rubio serves as Secretary of State, National Security Advisor, Trump caddy, and Mar-a-Lago pool boy, “so Bobby can easily handle two gigs.”
“Reality has a well-known liberal bias,” Kennedy told reporters. “I’ve always believed that data should be intuitive. When you remove the statistical fluoride and apply a homeopathic regression model, you'll see we created 2.2 million jobs last month.”
BLS Expands to Other Federal Agencies
Beyond jobs and health data, Kennedy and the BLS will now vet and release all federal government statistics to ensure they “feel right” and are “obedient.”
In a press release, Kennedy explained changes already underway:
The National Weather Service is recruiting MAGA volunteers to record temperatures. Instructions: face the Federal Reserve, lick middle finger, extend. If hat flies off, note wind.
Department of the Treasury: tariff revenue will erase the national debt by 2028.
Department of Justice: zero crimes committed by Trump supporters in 2025 — revised negative after January 6 pardons.
Census Bureau data:
Show Republican majorities in all 435 House districts — no gerrymandering needed.
Record everyone as white, Christian, and middle-class — until proven otherwise.
Consider Democrats and transgenders “illegals” — excluded from official statistics.
The Department of War’s predictive AI strike algorithm removed 42,000 “dissenters” and 123,000 “thinking about it.” Now:
92% of US citizens are “extremely patriotic,”
6% are “patriot-adjacent,” and
2% need “re-education.”
Department of State: Trump has ended 27 wars and 43 “age-old conflicts” — triggering a Nobel Peace Prize.
Department of Homeland Security: illegal border crossings = negative 2 million.