ICE Fall Mask Line Projects Kinder, Gentler Abductions
“It’s easier to separate kids from their parents with a cute bear mask,” said one agent.
By Luke S. Goode, Fashion Correspondent
New York, NY – Just in time for harvest raids—and with an eye toward holiday gift-giving—US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) released its fall mask line today.
“I think they’re fabulous,” gushed Ryan Hallwell, an ICE agent in New Orleans. “The masks are stylish, concealing, and intimidating. I want to look good when disappearing people without due process. With these, I know I do.”
When asked to explain a fashion favored by vigilantes, cartels, and authoritarian paramilitary forces, ICE spokesperson Alice Wells said officers mask to avoid doxxing — and accountability.
“We want to empower our agents to kidnap day laborers at Home Depot and snatch green card holders off campus without fear,” she said. “Detainee abuse shouldn’t weigh heavily on the conscience — or the Instagram feed.”
ACLU lawyer Dew Goode doesn’t buy it: “They wouldn’t mask for COVID, but they’re afraid of TikTok? What’s worse for public health, impunity or X? Talk about going viral.”
Love ‘em or hate ‘em, the masks are flying off the shelves, not just to ICE but also civil servants hoping to dodge DOGE and avoid being Loomered.
This Season’s Styles:
“This Way Little Girl (pink)/Boy (blue)”
Theme: “Of course you’ll see your parents again — in Honduras!” Official mask of the Family Separation Unit (FSU).
Materials: Soft cotton/polyester velour blend. RFK Jr. approved natural dyes for healthy displacement. Tested on asylum seekers.
Vigilante Sparkle
Theme: “Bling, Bling.” “It makes me feel like Beyoncé,” said one agent. “ICE, ICE Baby!”
Materials: Wool with quinceañera sourced rhinestones. Breathable mesh. Woven neck patches to appeal to traffickers and toddlers alike.
Empathy Clown
Theme: Nothing says empathy like a creepy clown. But there’s the twist: the empathy’s not for the undocumented. It’s for the good American families whose pets they dine on.
Also great for Halloween. Which begs the question: if an illegal dresses like ICE, will ICE know they’re illegal?
Materials: Polyester mesh blend, wry humor, and extra pathos for suburban voters.
The Narco
Theme: Culturally sensitive narco-chic. Inspired by Mexican drug cartels. Great for undercover or regular ops. Available pre-bloodstained/used after successful raids or drone strikes.
Material: Thin cotton woven by Abuelas who don’t ask questions.
The Reaper
Theme: “It’s what you sow.” Or “sew” if you’re Sally, a 60-year-old Contracting Officer at Transportation, who credits the Reaper for keeping Beltway Bandits in-line and kids away while crocheting on her commute.
A classic preferred by cocaine smugglers, hit squads, and federal law enforcement so they don’t have to face away during mug shots.
Materials: 95% polyester, 5% spandex — added flexibility for any occasion. Machine washable for moral compromise.
