Earth Flat and Cooling, Trump Claims
Also Directs Military to Invest in Coal, Blockbuster, and the Telegraph
By Cho King, Environmental Correspondent
Washington, DC — The Environmental Protection (sic) Agency (EPA) Thursday repealed its finding that climate change endangers human life and the environment, fulfilling President Trump’s second-term promise to defeat the “round earther” movement.
Trump, who frequently notes, “when I walk from here to there the ground doesn’t curve,” and, “isn’t it cold in here?” announced the policy alongside beaming EPA Secretary Lee Zeldin and the “Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots.” Zeldin has long championed suffocation as an alternative to electrocution for the death penalty.
Trump called climate scientists “stupid people” at the UN in September and claimed Thursday that the “endangerment finding” had “no basis in fact,” like “gravity,” “evolution,” and “asthma.”
Citing numbers from the Bureau of Loyal Statistics, Zeldin argued the “Green New Scam” cost businesses $1 trillion — “an outrageous price for clean air, water, soil, longer lifespans, and conceding the $5 trillion per year green economy to China.”
A Better Way
Instead, Trump directed the US military Wednesday to invest in coal, a previously declining industry worth about 1/5th of the green economy, globally. Coal joins horse and buggy manufacturer Burr & Company alongside Blockbuster, Kodak, Pets.com, Lehman Brothers, and the Edsel in the War Department’s well-diversified portfolio.
Interior Secretary Doug Burgum clarified the science behind the decisions: “CO2 was never a pollutant,” he told Fox Business. “When we breathe, we emit CO2. Plants need CO2 to survive and grow. Burning more clean, beautiful coal will actually reforest the Amazon. Two additional plants will restore the polar ice caps by Q3.”
When asked if the fossil fuel lobby’s estimated $450 million support for his 2024 campaign contributed to either announcement, Trump scoffed:
“That’s like saying we need air to breathe.”