CDC Approves Kisses, Chicken Soup As Tylenol Alternatives
When "tough it out" isn't an option
By Misty Placebo, Health Reporter
Washington, DC – Tylenol joined the ranks of “cancel consequences” victims Monday, prompting the CDC’s Department of Juju and Unsupported Neonatal Knowledge (JUNK) to release a list of emotionally resonant alternatives.
“After extensive consultation with grandmothers, wellness influencers, and the vibes meter in the Oval Office, we recommend comfort-based healing modalities as medically sufficient for most ailments. These include — but are not limited to — warm soup, booboo kisses, and the strategic placement of cartoon band-aids,” JUNK announced in a press release.
“We’ve lost trust in Tylenol,” explained JUNK Science Director Dr. Ginger N. Bleach. “Find me one peer-reviewed case of chicken soup causing autism. I’ll wait.”
Dr. Bleach added that some weak, liberal women with bad genes may not be able to “tough it out,” as President Trump suggested, so they also approved the below alternatives:
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