By Misty Placebo, Health Reporter
Washington, DC – Tylenol joined the ranks of “cancel consequences” victims Monday, prompting the CDC’s Department of Juju and Unsupported Neonatal Knowledge (JUNK) to release a list of emotionally resonant alternatives.
“After extensive consultation with grandmothers, wellness influencers, and the vibes meter in the Oval Office, we recommend comfort-based healing modalities as medically sufficient for most ailments. These include — but are not limited to — warm soup, booboo kisses, and the strategic placement of cartoon band-aids,” JUNK announced in a press release.
“We’ve lost trust in Tylenol,” explained JUNK Science Director Dr. Ginger N. Bleach. “Find me one peer-reviewed case of chicken soup causing autism. I’ll wait.”
Dr. Bleach added that some weak, liberal women with bad genes may not be able to “tough it out,” as President Trump suggested, so they also approved the below alternatives:
Walking It Off – Recommended for fractures, heartbreak, and existential dread.
Hitting the Thing That Hurt You – The President’s favorite.
Garlic – Repels pain, vampires, and anyone in the Epstein files.
Chewing on a Stick – Replaces epidurals. Most effective with Goose Fat on the temples.
Bloodletting – Replaces antibiotics. Side effects include dizziness, anemia, and medieval flashbacks.
Affirmations – “You’re so brave,” “You handled that ouchie like a champ,” “Even superheroes cry sometimes.”
Hot Toddies – For fever, flu, and surviving family gatherings.
Mercury – Causes brain damage, organ failure, and madness – but not autism!
Warm Milk with Nutmeg while Staring at a Candle – Cures depression and Victorian ennui.
Whispers in a Jar Buried under the Full Moon: Eliminates schizophrenia. Attracts raccoons.
Officials stressed that if none of the listed remedies work, citizens should simply scream louder into their pillows until the pain goes away or their Medicaid returns.