White House Introduces Dress, Grooming Code After Shoes Initiative “Massive Success”
Male Cabinet Members Also Change Names to “Donald”
By Sol Licker, Menswear Correspondent
Washington, DC — After gifting black Florsheim Oxfords to his male cabinet members, President Trump Tuesday added navy blue suits, red ties and foam noses, orange pompadours, and white face paint to his cabinet dress code.
“I LOVE the new outfit,” rechristened Secretary of State Donald Rubio posted on X. “The president’s fashion sense is exceeded only by his generosity — he also agreed to sleep with our wives.”
Florsheim has capitalized on the publicity, announcing a new theme: “For men who follow orders.” They also introduced “presidential sizing,” shipping three sizes larger than what a customer selects.
“They fit perfectly. You know what they say about a man’s shoe size…,” Transportation Secretary Donald Duffy winked before tripping on a carpet while shuffling to a TSA meeting.
Vice President Donald Vance bought additional pairs, started an Oxfords fan club, and tweeted that they represent “real American values.” He exhorted Americans to “look closely at Uncle Herschel’s shoes the next time you’re at Cracker Barrel.”
Foreign leaders are getting in on the trend. Ukrainian President Zelenskyy requested a pair. Trump approved but demanded that Europe pay for them.
Laced with Misery
DoW Secretary Hegseth accidentally added Ridiculocracy to a Signal chat where he complained about blisters.
“My feet are bleeding 🥹🩸,” sympathized Treasury Secretary Donald Bessent.
“+1. But the boss sizes us up, and he’s never wrong. We just need to wear them in 💪👊 ,” responded Special Envoy Donald Witkoff.
“This is SOLE crushing!” complained Duffy.
When contacted about the chat, cabinet members insisted they were “proud to bleed for their country” but privately begged Ridiculocracy not to tell “Father.”
They were last seen all getting into a Mini Cooper, speeding off behind Trump’s limo to the sound of a faint, squeaky horn.