Welcome to ICE!

Just fill out this Questionnaire

By Holden Cell, Immigration Correspondent

Washington, DC — After reports about Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) lowering its hiring standards, Ridiculocracy attended a Laredo recruiting fair, where “Shirley” handed us the below questionnaire:

Congratulations! You expressed interest! You’re hired!

To maintain our “merit-based” facade, please complete this questionnaire for OPM.

Answer honestly. Don’t worry about disqualification—we fired those bureaucrats months ago.

Think of these questions like Who’s Line is it Anyway: everything’s made up and the points don’t matter.

Remember, you’re hired!

1. Have you ever been fired for misconduct from, or been denied acceptance into, another law enforcement agency—federal, state, or local?

   1. Yes

      1. Once

      2. 2-10 times

      3. I went back and showed them motherf#$%ers!

   2. No

2. What is your weekly fitness routine?

   1. Pumping and cardio 3-5x/week

   2. Occasional brisk walks

   3. Netflix

   4. Downing my GLP-1 and taking a nap

3. A person filming you on their phone is:

   1. A lethal threat and should be neutralized

   2. Antifa, see a.

   3. A domestic terrorist, see a.

   4. Exercising unconstitutional freedom of speech and/or assembly, see a.

4. I want to be an ICE agent because:

   1. It runs in my veins

   2. Nobody eats my cats and dogs!

   3. Unemployment ran out

   4. Empathy is for suckers

5. Good candidates for enforcement raids include:

   1. Pre-Ks

   2. Cancer wards

   3. Special ed classes

   4. Democrat Party meetings

   5. All of the above

6. An acceptable byproduct of an enforcement action is:

   1. Miscarriage

   2. PTSD

   3. Internal bleeding

   4. Shoulder dislocation

   5. All of the above

7. When did you have your last drink?

   1. Last week

   2. Yesterday

   3. This morning

   4. Right now!

8. Which complimentary mask would you like?

   1. Classic Army green

   2. Narcoterrorist skull

   3. ISIS black

   4. “Of course you’ll see your parents again” pink