Welcome to ICE!

Just fill out this Questionnaire

By Holden Cell, Immigration Correspondent

Washington, DC — After reports about Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) lowering its hiring standards, Ridiculocracy attended a Laredo recruiting fair, where “Shirley” handed us the below questionnaire:

Congratulations! You expressed interest! You’re hired!

To maintain our “merit-based” facade, please complete this questionnaire for OPM.

Answer honestly. Don’t worry about disqualification—we fired those bureaucrats months ago.

Think of these questions like Who’s Line is it Anyway: everything’s made up and the points don’t matter.

Remember, you’re hired!

1. Have you ever been fired for misconduct from, or been denied acceptance into, another law enforcement agency—federal, state, or local?

   1. Yes

      1. Once

      2. 2-10 times

      3. I went back and showed them motherf#$%ers!

   2. No

2. What is your weekly fitness routine?

   1. Pumping and cardio 3-5x/week

   2. Occasional brisk walks

   3. Netflix

   4. Downing my GLP-1 and taking a nap

3. A person filming you on their phone is:

   1. A lethal threat and should be neutralized

   2. Antifa, see a.

   3. A domestic terrorist, see a.

   4. Exercising unconstitutional freedom of speech and/or assembly, see a.

4. I want to be an ICE agent because:

   1. It runs in my veins

   2. Nobody eats my cats and dogs!

   3. Unemployment ran out

   4. Empathy is for suckers

5. Good candidates for enforcement raids include:

   1. Pre-Ks

   2. Cancer wards

   3. Special ed classes

   4. Democrat Party meetings

   5. All of the above

6. An acceptable byproduct of an enforcement action is:

   1. Miscarriage

   2. PTSD

   3. Internal bleeding

   4. Shoulder dislocation

   5. All of the above

7. When did you have your last drink?

   1. Last week

   2. Yesterday

   3. This morning

   4. Right now!

8. Which complimentary mask would you like?

   1. Classic Army green

   2. Narcoterrorist skull

   3. ISIS black

   4. “Of course you’ll see your parents again” pink

9. My favorite movie character is:

   1. Dr. Evil

   2. The Joker (Nicholson)

   3. Hannibal Lecter

   4. Mr. Blonde

10. I used to be a member of:

    1. Proud Boys

    2. Oath Keepers

    3. Hitler Youth

    4. All of the above

11. I identify as a/an:

    1. Man

    2. Woman

    3. Alpha

    4. Incel

12. “Reasonable suspicion” includes:

    1. Hanging out at Home Depot

    2. Having dark skin

    3. Looking at me funny

    4. Great for a recruiting video

13. After disarming a suspect you:

    1. Take them into custody

    2. Shoot them

    3. Zip tie them

    4. Pepper spray them

    5. Tear gas their friends

    6. All of the above

14. When encountering a 5-year-old suspected illegal immigrant you should:

    1. Separate them from their parents

    2. Give them a lump of coal

    3. Zip tie them

    4. Ask them to self deport via the app

    5. All of the above

15. Your preferred method of “de-escalation” is:

    1. Yelling

    2. Yelling louder

    3. Flash‑bang

    4. Calling it “de-escalation” in the report

16. What does ICE stand for?

    1. Intimidate, Control, Enforce

    2. I Choose Excessive (Force)

    3. In Case of Empathy, Suppress

    4. I Can’t Even

17. What is your biggest professional strength?

    1. My inferiority complex

    2. Trigger finger

    3. Creative reporting

    4. Loyalty to the Leader