VENEZUELA: Mission Accomplished!

“Stop comparing this to Iraq.”

By Rip Diplomacy, Foreign Affairs Correspondent

Off the Venezuelan Coast — Standing beneath a “Mission Accomplished” banner found in a box marked “Don’t Reuse!” in the corner of the Oval Office, President Trump told troops aboard the USS Gerald R. Ford that the United States had “totally fixed Venezuela.”

“‘Don’t invade it. Blockade it!’ That’s the Donroe Doctrine, folks. Tremendous success. On to Greenland,” the president said.

“Does that mean we get to go home?” asked a sailor.

“No, we’ll be here for years. They have a lot of oil,” Trump explained.

“Like Iraq?”

“This is nothing like Iraq.”

“What’s the difference?”

“Well, we’re keeping the oil.”

“Is the Junta gone?” another sailor asked.

“No, we got Maduro. Everyone else is staying. Continuity is important for regime change.”

“Will things improve for the Venezuelan people?”

“Actually, they’ve cracked down harder. But, it’s warranted. Domestic terrorists everywhere. Like Minnesota.”

“What about the democratically elected opposition we recognized?”

“They don’t have legitimacy — or oil.”

“I thought they won the last election.”

“Right. And Biden won in 2020,” Trump scoffed. “I sent troops when that happened too. Nevermind, we’re running the country now.”