Turkey Pardoned after $1 Million Donation to Trump Library
Others Buy Crypto or Ink Business Deals for Clemency — “Democrat Turkeys” Not So Lucky
By Phil Grimm, Thanksgiving Correspondent
Washington, DC — In honor of Thanksgiving, President Trump has issued a flurry of pardons for turkeys otherwise destined for holiday platters and late night leftovers.
Among the reprieved: GobbleChain founder Chainpeng Zhowl, who narrowly escaped a “no flee deal” with the Biden Justice Department, which would have served him to a wealthy Connecticut family. Trump reportedly signed the pardon with Zhowl en route to the butcher’s block.
Zhowl’s absolution followed GobbleChain’s sudden relocation to Trump Tower and the appointment of Don Jr. and Eric Trump to the board of CluckDance, a Cayman Islands-based crypto firm that powers GobbleChain’s “black feed” market. The platform allegedly allows turko-terrorists and Frankenfowl drumstick dealers to bypass US sanctions. But OFAC delisted CluckDance earlier this year after intense lobbying and gifting turkey-themed NFTs to White House staff.
Curtis “Big Wattle” Snood received amnesty after his mother, Oprah Wingfry, attended a $1 million Mar-a-Lago fundraiser — as the entrée. Snood was convicted of “tracks fraud” in 2024 for wearing deer shoes to mislead hunters.
Tom Bastewell received a pardon despite being caught accepting $50,000 in cash from Federal Bird Investigators (FBI) in exchange for promises to secure more lenient USDA poultry regulations. When asked if Bastewell would return the money, Attorney General Pam Bondi glanced at her new $50,000 Rolex and said he’d already “flown the coop.”
Kernel Feather’s giblets were tagged for gravy after he stormed the Capitol alongside other “Proud Birds” on January 6.
Viral footage on 4chick showed Feather henpecking Nancy Pelosi and chasing AOC through the Capitol tunnels. (The darkweb bulletin board is a favorite of extremist Turkeys known for pumping up their right wings while allowing their lefts to whither.)
“I never imagined this in my wildest wishbone,” said Feather, flashing a White Meat Pride gesture to the cameras. “Who’s the turkey now? Thank you, President Trump.”
What’s Better than Owning a Lib? Eating one!
With Republican turkeys in short supply this Thanksgiving, liberals and independents have had to consider chicken, pork, beef, and even Tofurky for their holiday tables.
Democrat Turkeys, meanwhile, are plentiful — fresh off their gulletable performance in shutdown negotiations.