Trump Frat Pack Mistakes Epstein Survivors’ Testimony for Epstein Party
“We thought the good times were back,” said Rudy Giuliani, "but it was just a press conference."
By Phil. E. Buster, Congressional Correspondent
Washington, DC – September 5, 2025
Donald Trump, Pete Hegseth, Rudy Giuliani, and Elon Musk rushed to Capitol Hill Wednesday after hearing that Jeffrey Epstein sexual abuse survivors would appear.
“Hot young ladies? We’re there,” said Hegseth, dabbing white powder from his bloody nose with an American flag pocket square. “We loaded up the Axe, threw on our aviators, and strutted over.”
“It was nice to see so many familiar faces,” said President Trump. “A little older now than when we first met on the island…I mean, Democrat hoax!”
“I’ve always supported girls,” said Giuliani, rubbing dripping hair dye into his face to create the illusion of a tan. “Especially young ones. Especially Jeff’s…I mean, Democrat hoax!”
Musk, who wore a black t-shirt reading “Be My Next Brood Mare,” offered free verification on X to survivors willing to ride in his Cybertruck — to no avail.
“It’s not just your company that’s boring,” a survivor told him. “We’re here to release the Epstein files. The only way you’ll relive them is with your AI companion.”
Reinforcements Arrive
Not one to miss an underage party, former Congressman and OAN anchor Matt Gaetz arrived ready to “make it rain” with a roll of Chuck E. Cheese tickets.
Right wing troll Laura Loomer tagged along, hoping Trump would mistake her for an Epstein girl. “I can get anybody fired – but not Trump fired up,” Loomer sulked.
Diddy and R. Kelly joined after Trump furloughed them. Mistaking the survivors’ press conference for a “pop-up club collab,” Diddy tried to order bottle service from Marjorie Taylor Greene.
R. Kelly grabbed the mic and launched into tracks from his new album, “Pardon Me,” co-written with Ghislaine Maxwell. Songs include:
“Age is Just a Number (Until the FBI Shows Up)” (#1 on the Jailhouse Rock charts)
“Private Jet, Public Shame” (#3)
“Mentoring, Not Grooming” (#4)
“Elite Retreat” (#8)
A-Gays to the Rescue
Before things got totally out of hand, Trump’s loyal A-Gay wingmen stepped in to rescue their straights from more embarrassment.
“Oh, honey, let’s get you home,” said Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent, prying the Jack from Hegseth’s limp hand and rolling him into Musk’s Cybertruck — which promptly crashed into the Supreme Court.
“Now the destruction is complete,” sighed Justice Kagan.
Kennedy Center head Richard Grenell escorted a slurring Giuliani back to his hotel, while Billionaire donor Peter Thiel distracted Musk with a Neuralink-enabled Etch A Sketch.
As for Trump, he stumbled back to the White House leaning on Diddy and singing, “Ain’t no party like an Epstein party…cause a Democrat hoax don’t stop!”
“Now about that pardon for Kelly, Ghislaine, and me…” Diddy said.