Trump Dispatches Imperial Guard to DC
“Resistance” busses homeless to red states in defiance
By Snark Twain, Local Correspondent
Washington, D.C. — August 14, 2025
Several days after sending the National Guard to help restore law and order in Washington, DC, President Donald Trump announced the Star Wars Imperial Guard would replace federal troops.
The president’s announcement follows the tragic carjacking of a former Department of Government Expansion (DOGE) staffer who received his nickname, “Big Balls,” on Opposite Day, and whose assault appears to be the sole piece of evidence that DC has become a lawless hellscape.
“In addition to failing to find Big Balls’ assailant, the National Guard failed to immediately reduce brunch and food truck prices, Metro wait times, and the humidity,” Trump complained,
so we’re sending in the Imperial Guard to repair potholes and root out rebels who look like they read The Atlantic. The Imperial Guard battles Jedi, so I’m sure they can eliminate unpaid internships, irrelevant think-tanks, and all the ‘Senior Advisors’ under 40. Also, they match my tie.
“This is the most dramatic overreaction to a minor crime since Keanu Reeves gunned down 77 people for killing his dog in John Wick,” argued an MSNBC pundit from the tranquil, upper-class, suburban Palisades neighborhood, calling in from a Georgetown cocktail party.
Never mind that DC’s crime rate is at a 30-year low, below that of red state big cities Dallas, Memphis, San Antonio, Charlotte, Nashville, and Louisville (really) – or that Big Balls deserved it. Beating up some 19-year-old DOGE twat who fired thousands of dedicated public servants and tanked my home value isn’t less criminal than using the Presidency to hawk billions in Trump$ memecoin or accepting a $400 million plane from Qatari jihadists.
But not everyone opposes the Imperial Guard deployment.
“Yeah, violent crime may be down,” said a Northeast resident, “but I don’t see a lot of the gentry who displaced my family from Northwest and live in buildings with doormen and free La Croix getting ice cream in Anacostia or strolling down Minnesota Ave after dark – or during the day, for that matter. If the Imperial Guard can clean up my neighborhood, I’ll enlist.”
The “Homeless Highway” to Red America
In response to the Imperial Guard’s deployment, a group of Go-Go Musicians, Mumbo sauce cooks, and former Hill staffers have organized a guerilla alliance to “push back” in typical passive-aggressive Deep State fashion. Their motto: “May the swamp be with you.”
The “District Defiant” resistance immediately began its own homeless roundup, placed them on Greyhound buses with MAGA decals, and, in a classic false flag operation dreamed up by DC’s overcompliment of ex-CIA agents, sent them to red states with “Liberation Day presents from your nation’s capital! – Donald J. Trump” signs in the windshields.
“During Biden’s border crisis, Florida sent us illegal immigrants and fentanyl frenzied ferrets who ate our Cherry Blossoms, so we’re returning the favor,” explained a rebel leader. “Have fun with their mental health problems after gutting social services and Medicaid.”
The first bus is reportedly headed to Mar-a-Lago, where the homeless plan to squat in guest rooms overlooking the golf course. "It's only fair," said one hobo who requested anonymity. "If you're going to 'liberate' a city, you should be prepared to house the refugees."
“Liberate me from federal overreach and taxation without representation,” quipped a District Defiant leader.
“We’ll Just Wait them Out”
With the federal takeover just a 30-day push and Trump’s notoriously short attention span, DC criminals have decided to retire to Airbnbs on the Maryland shore for a few weeks before resuming their unlawful activities.
“We’re taking a summer vacation,” said one drug dealer. “Since Congress is in recess and the MAGA and DOGE crew have cleared out for the Imperial Guard, our cocaine sales are way down anyway. If it wasn’t for (Defense Secretary) Hegseth, we’d be struggling.”
“Trump doesn't last long,” said Melania. “And he always chickens out, so my money is on the resistance.”
The president, however, sounded a resolute tone at his press conference: “If the Imperial Guard can’t pacify DC, I’ll send in Darth Vader,” he said.
As for Big Balls, he’s reportedly recovering well and has trademarked his nickname for a forthcoming line of tactical cargo shorts.