Trump Dispatches Imperial Guard to DC

“Resistance” busses homeless to red states in defiance

By Snark Twain, Local Correspondent
Washington, D.C. — August 14, 2025

Several days after sending the National Guard to help restore law and order in Washington, DC, President Donald Trump announced the Star Wars Imperial Guard would replace federal troops.

The president’s announcement follows the tragic carjacking of a former Department of Government Expansion (DOGE) staffer who received his nickname, “Big Balls,” on Opposite Day, and whose assault appears to be the sole piece of evidence that DC has become a lawless hellscape.

“In addition to failing to find Big Balls’ assailant, the National Guard failed to immediately reduce brunch and food truck prices, Metro wait times, and the humidity,” Trump complained,

so we’re sending in the Imperial Guard to repair potholes and root out rebels who look like they read The Atlantic. The Imperial Guard battles Jedi,…