Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS) Reaches Pandemic Levels after CDC Eliminates Vaccine Mandate
President also Treated after Blaming Rob Reiner for his Own Murder
By Dee Mensha, Presidential Health Correspondent
Viral, USA — The CDC officially declared a TDS pandemic Tuesday after the president blamed Rob Reiner for the murder of himself and his wife at the hands of his mentally ill son — something even MAGAites who think ICE isn’t cruel enough condemned.
“They must have TDS too,” Trump responded, when asked about backlash to his Truth Social statement.
The president was later rushed to Walter Reed Medical Center after becoming infected himself. Traditional TDS treatment — satire exposure — has not worked.
“TDS becomes chronic for anyone who delights in speaking ill of the dead,” said Dr. Brad Johnstone, who first identified TDS among Mother Jones subscribers after inauguration in 2017. “We should have known when he attacked John McCain after he died of brain cancer, but now it’s clear: he’s reached “Stage 4-Incurable Solipsism.”
Epidemiologists blame the TDS outbreak on the CDC’s new guidance eliminating “Checks and Balances” vaccines. It may also account for recent Supreme Court decisions and Republican voluntary castrations that fueled the contagion.
The TDS vaccine also prevents war crimes, pocket rescissions, and Kleptocratic Onset (KO). Previously covered under Obamacare, the Big Beautiful Bill eliminated subsidies.
California, however, still requires it for entry into polite society.
Clinical Definition
Officially recognized by the ‘Merican Medical Association, TDS is a chronic, politically induced condition in which exposure to the name, image, voice, or policies of Donald J. Trump triggers a disproportionate emotional response.
The condition manifests in two primary variants: TDS-Positive (marked by volcanic outrage) and TDS-Negative (unwavering, ecstatic devotion).
Patient zero likely first descended on an escalator in 2015 and began spreading TDS through Fox News, fake MAGA accounts on X run by Russia, and clutched pearls.
The affliction is often transmitted by reading headlines, Floridian relatives, and uncles who post on Facebook.
Symptoms
Excessive meme making and reposting. Exacerbated by friendship loss and unemployment.
Elevated blood pressure during Trump press conferences — whether one knows they’re happening, or not.
Hallucinations: Seeing Trump’s face in clouds, toast, and the Book of Revelation.
Involuntary conversion of any conversation at a book club, funeral, or pickleball match into a discussion about the 45th/47th president.
Compulsively checking news sources at 3 AM “to see what he’s done now.”
Sudden loss of nuance.
Hyperventilation upon seeing red hats (positive or negative).
Development of strong opinions about the emoluments clause despite never having read the Constitution.
Citing “experts say” or “everyone” without specifying which experts, whom, or when.
Prevention
Vaccination: See above. Paid for by $1,000 Trump accounts after $2,000 donation to Don Jr.’s 2028 campaign.
Media Moderation: Limiting news exposure to The Onion News Network and nature documentaries.
“I don’t know enough about that to have an opinion“ — memorize and repeat.
Bipartisan Exposure: Spending at least one hour per week in the company of a calm, well-adjusted individual whose political views are diametrically opposed to one’s own. Start with 5 minutes and increase by 5 more each day.
Consulting Primary Sources: Enforced reading of actual documents rather than tweets about them.
Treatment
Support Groups: Weekly meetings where sufferers shout at cardboard cutouts until exhausted.
Satire Therapy: Prescribed doses of Ridiculocracy and late-night comedy monologues.
Serenity Prayer Adaptation: “Grant me the serenity to accept the news cycles I cannot change, the courage to log off, and the wisdom to know when I’m being algorithmically manipulated for engagement.”
Get a Hobby: No, arguing in YouTube comments doesn’t count.
Perspective Rebalancing: Reading histories of American politics before 2015.
Differential Diagnosis
Must be distinguished from:
Actual reasonable political engagement
Genuine civic concern
Having opinions (normal)
Being informed about current events (healthy)