Senate Renamed “Hall of Eunuchs” after Trump Mandated Castrations

“Now that we're nonbinary, we can’t use the bathroom,” said one Senator.

By Phil E. Buster, Congressional Correspondent
Washington, D.C. — August 12, 2025

The Trump Administration conducted a mass gelding of Republican Senators yesterday in a move political observers are calling “ballsy” and the latest sign of the legislative branch’s submission to the executive. In honor of the occasion, senators renamed their chamber the “Hall of Eunuchs.”

Senators eagerly lined up to lose what little they had left at the “Snip & Sip Gala,” where Trump personally conducted the procedures with the same scissors he used on Vice President JD Vance and Secretary of State Marco Rubio.

President Trump at the “Snip & Sip Gala.”

“I thought the invitation said gilding,” complained Josh Hawley (R-MO) before remembering himself. “Of course, I support the President’s agenda, even if it means giving my right and left nuts for the cause.”

“It’s not like we’ve had cojones or political impulses of our own since 2017 anyway,” said Majority Leader John Thune (R-SD), adjusting his post-op compression sash.

After the initial shock, Republican senators basked in Trump’s approbation.

Female Republican senators exhibited tradwife level support for their male colleagues.

“They didn’t even flinch,” marveled Marsha Blackburn (R–TN), brushing away tears of pride. “I wish I had balls to sacrifice for President Trump and my country.”

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt explained the rationale behind the ceremony:

“President Trump decided to castrate the senators out of an abundance of caution. This eliminates the possibility that any of them can oppose a third term or break the line of succession. It’s safer for each others’ wives and summer interns, and it removes – once-and-for-all – the possibility that anyone will revive that awful Singing Senators barbershop quartet. If they do bring it back, they’ll have to call it the ‘Congressional Castratos.’”

“The only one with big balls around here now is that guy from DOGE who got jacked,” guffawed Chuck Grassley (R-IA).

No Balls, Better Bladder

Since the bathrooms in Congress are now just male or female, the Sergeant-at-Arms is preventing the newly sexless Senators from using the restrooms.

“Every session is like a filibuster now,” said Jim Banks (R-IA). “It’s given us Alpha male bladder muscles. Sometimes, though, we sneak out to the bushes.”

The Senate chamber’s new seal.

“The Senators think we haven’t noticed, but it’s like a dog park around here,” said a Capitol Hill groundsworker. “The plants and shrubbery are really suffering. The urine stench is so bad that we’ve started calling the Senate side of the Capitol ‘San Francisco’ or ‘Portland.’”

Democrats Respond

“Welcome to the club!” exclaimed Senator “only Dick” Durbin (D-IL).

In contrast to Republicans, Democrats have long self-neutered after winning Congress or the White House, part of their legislative negotiating strategy of preemptive surrender and voluntary concessions.

“Power and leverage make us feel uncomfortable – like we have white privilege – so we hope this restores a spirit of compromise,” said a male Democratic Senator, speaking on condition of anonymity for fear of regrowing his pair.

Senator Tammy Duckworth (D-IL) wasn’t so sure. “This may lower the testosterone,” she said, “but it’s unlikely to eliminate the pissing or dick measuring contests.”