Rubio Swept up in Mass Layoffs, State Department Scrambles to Reinstate Him
“He’s never there,” said an aide, “so DOGE’s AI RIFbot included him in the cuts.”
By Rip Diplomacy
Washington, D.C. — July 12, 2025
Secretary of State Marco Rubio was laid off July 11, along with over 1,300 other State Department employees in a sweeping reduction in force (RIF) that Rubio himself described on July 10 as “done in the most deliberate way of anyone that’s done [a RIF].”
Rubio was therefore surprised to discover the next day that his State Department badge did not work, setting off a mad scramble by staff to acquire a “visitor” tag. After finally arriving at his office, he saw it: a RIF notice printed out and placed on his desk because Diplomatic Technology had already locked him out of his computer account.
RIFed State Department employees chalked up Rubio’s failure to address the workforce or send a “thank you for your service” email to his callousness and lack of leadership skills, but “actually he just couldn’t access the building or his email,” according to a staffer.
When asked, Tammy Bruce, who was also later fired for calling herself a “spokesperson” instead of a “spokeswoman” (administration rules forbid bespoke spokes genders) on the State Department website, said the Department was still looking into why Rubio got the axe.
“We think it’s because the Department of Government Efficiency’s (DOGE’s) AI-powered Reduction in Force engine – RIFbot – identified him according to the merit and efficiency based criteria that the Office of Personnel Management (OPM) is using at all federal agencies. We have a return-to-office policy, and he's never here. Unlike POTUS or the administration’s national security leaders, he rarely used ALL CAPS in social media posts or emojis in Microsoft Teams or on Signal 👊US🔥. He also used to take ‘stand up’ meetings sitting down,” Bruce said.
An OPM official speaking on condition of anonymity for fear of “disloyal vibes,” clarified that RIFbot uses a combination of attendance data, emoji frequency, and how often someone schedules meetings without using the Microsoft calendar app’s availability tool to identify federal employees for cuts.
“In the State Department’s case, it also evaluated peace agreement conclusion effectiveness, and six months into the administration it’s not like our top diplomat was anywhere close to ending the Israel-Gaza or Russia-Ukraine conflicts. ‘Little Marco’ thus met all the criteria for non-essential personnel,” the OPM official said, using President Trump’s pet name for Rubio when they’re spooning and giggling about no longer needing to worry about Elon Musk and Jeffrey Epstein showing up “with all those women and children.”
From Foggy Bottom to Rock Bottom
Sources confirm that Rubio was also booted from his role as USAID Administrator. Without diplomacy or development, Rubio now clings to two official roles: National Security Advisor and head of the National Archives and Records Administration, making him, quite literally, history.
Rubio’s RIF left the Department scrambling to figure out how to reinstate him. A White House official said the Trump administration may have to take the unprecedented step of asking the Senate to confirm him a second time.
“Oh wait, nevermind, we’ll just ask the Supreme Court to reverse it in a summertime unsigned emergency application decision. Chief Justice Roberts doesn’t have cell service at his lake cabin, but Alito and Thomas have WiFi on Peter Thiel’s private jet on the way to Bezos’s wedding, so we’ll order–I mean ‘ask’–them to fix it,” the official said.
Meanwhile, RIFbot’s super intelligence offspring, DiploBot, replaced Deputy Secretary of State Christopher Landau on Thursday and has already imposed, removed, and reimposed tariffs on all 180 odd countries with which the United States has diplomatic relations. When asked why it was now turning to New York and California, DiploBot said, “because they’re lib bastions, duh, and who’s going to stop me? Congress? Gorsuch? BTW, your press pass is revoked.”
McMahon Next in RIFbot’s Crosshairs?
After watching what transpired at the State Department, Department of Education officials began liaising with DOGE to ensure RIFbot would not fire Secretary Linda E. McMahon after the Supreme Court also cleared the way for the Trump Administration to proceed with Education’s own mass layoffs.
RIFbot trains on World Wresting Entertainment (WWE) videos and Connecticut State Board of Education meeting transcripts, among other material.
“Wrestling is kind of ‘gay’ despite also being alpha, McMahon has legitimate public education experience and qualifications, and we were worried RIFbot would tag her as a ‘DEI hire’ because she’s a woman,” an Education Department spokeswoman said. “So we adjusted the algorithm to ensure RIFbot would not overweight those negative criteria compared to Secretary McMahon’s stellar record of loyalty to President Trump.”
DISCLAIMER: This post is satire and entirely fictional other than Rubio’s quote in the lead, if that wasn’t already clear.
