Ridiculocracy Obtains Advance Copy of Hegseth’s “Warrior Ethos” Speech
Leaked Remarks Urge Generals to Embrace Meathead Masculinity, Hazing
By Kill M. All, War Correspondent
Quantico, VA – Ridiculocracy obtained an advance copy of War Secretary Pete Hegseth’s September 30 speech to US military generals and admirals, including a “ticktock” for the event. The Pentagon would not confirm its authenticity, though one aide admitted: “It definitely sounds like him.”
BEGIN SPEECH
Remarks by Secretary of War Pete Hegseth to US Military Generals and Admirals about Imbuing a “Warrior Ethos” in the Armed Services
September 30, 2025
9am:
Enter Marine Corps University auditorium rappelling down from the ceiling to “Thunderstruck” by AC/DC.
Accept applause from standing ovation while shedding tactical gear.
To demonstrate “alpha establishment protocol,” stand at attention maintaining unblinking eye contact with the audience for three minutes.
Reassign anybody caught flinching to the Coast Guard.
9:10am:
Duck behind podium. Chug Dos Equis.
Begin speaking. Sound masculine.
Gentlemen and DEI Hires,
If it wasn’t obvious from my entry, I’m a tough guy, a badass, and an iron-jawed patriot. I’m here to inform you that you’re all fired and relieved of your commands. Don’t try anything funny. The ICE agents along the outside walls will escort you out.
(Wait 5 seconds).
Just kidding! ICE agents will, however, be posted to your staffs, reporting directly to me and the White House.
It’s my honor to address you today in the presence of our Dear Leader, President and Field Marshal, Donald J. Trump! He wanted to be here today with “his generals,” so that you know you belong to him.
Loyalty to our Leader is the highest imperative. Each of you has sworn an oath to the Constitution. President Trump is the human embodiment of the Constitution. His word is law. You shall obey.
I want to speak today about (Note: say it like you’re a WWE announcer) “THE WARRIOR ETHOS.”
(Cue pyrotechnics. Wait for standing ovation to die down.)
What is the “warrior ethos?”
First and foremost, it’s a return to meathead masculinity. To suppressing and ignoring sissy things like PTSD – and making it okay again to take it out on our families.
As warriors, we’ll eliminate woke physical fitness standards and resume hazing. Men should always take what’s theirs on the battlefield – a la Game of Thrones. Warriors aren’t just vigorous, they’re virile.
If your brigade commander can’t do a Turkish get-up with a sandbag, he’s out. In the Pentagon, pull-up bars are now required in every office. Department of War employees will complete the 100 push-up, 50 pull-up challenge daily. Troops will complete a 10-mile ruck march while chanting “woke is broke” followed by synchronized burpees until they puke.
Female warriors are defined as women who can fend off our advances and conform to our standards. If they need to remove their left breasts to fire their M16s…that’s a surgery we’ll still pay for.
During basic training, recruits will be hazed until morale improves. If you can’t survive scrubbing latrines with a toothbrush while reciting the speech from Patton, are you really ready for combat? All recruits will also complete “Operation Wedgie Freedom” – where drill sergeants duct-tape privates to flagpoles until they cry out “God Bless America.”
Warriors also need to look the part. The Army will eliminate those performative allyship surrender monkey French berets and replace them with performative American flag pocket squares. Every Colonel or Captain and above will mark their promotions with a haka dance and a face tattoo.
Finally, Warriors take care of the home front. For too long, the US military has focused on foreign threats from Russia, China, Iran, Puerto Rico, and other places I can’t find on a map. But we all know the real threat is from within:
Critical race theory discussions at school board meetings;
Cancel culture;
People who call things “problematic” and “nuanced”; and
The participation trophy mentality turning our young men into women and our women into whatever has “zey/zem” pronouns.
That’s why today I am redirecting 80% of all US military assets to the war on domestic terrorism. In our “Homeland Warrior Initiative,” Navy SEALs will hunt down Antifa’s kombucha radicalization cells. The Army Rangers will occupy PTA meetings in Berkeley and farmer’s markets in Brooklyn.
Joint Special Operations Command will integrate with ICE and conduct raids against Canadian fentanyl smugglers. They’ll also partner with the FBI to monitor Americans engaged in “anti-Americanism, anti-capitalism, and anti-Christianity.”
Is this legal? Our Dear Leader says it is. The warrior ethos doesn’t break for “due process.”
(Pause for uproarious standing ovation. Allows time for special guest to join you on stage.)
We are joined now by soon-to-be former Army DEI Advisor Jaromy Coates. Whom among you will come up on this stage and dishonorably discharge Jaromy as an act of devotion to our country and the Warrior Ethos?
(Wait for a general or admiral to ascend the stage and sign the paperwork.)
ICE, take him away!
President Trump: Jaromy, you’re fired!
9:40am:
Pause for uproarious 10 minute standing ovation.
Cue “Bawitdaba” and pyrotechnics while exiting stage right along with President Trump.
END SPEECH