Ridiculocracy Obtains Advance Copy of Hegseth’s “Warrior Ethos” Speech
Leaked Remarks Urge Generals to Embrace Meathead Masculinity, Hazing
By Kill M. All, War Correspondent
Quantico, VA – Ridiculocracy obtained an advance copy of War Secretary Pete Hegseth’s September 30 speech to US military generals and admirals, including a “ticktock” for the event. The Pentagon would not confirm its authenticity, though one aide admitted: “It definitely sounds like him.”
BEGIN SPEECH
Remarks by Secretary of War Pete Hegseth to US Military Generals and Admirals about Imbuing a “Warrior Ethos” in the Armed Services
September 30, 2025
9am:
Enter Marine Corps University auditorium rappelling down from the ceiling to “Thunderstruck” by AC/DC.
Accept applause from standing ovation while shedding tactical gear.
To demonstrate “alpha establishment protocol,” stand at attention maintaining unblinking eye contact with the audience for three minutes.
Reassign anybody caught flinching to the Coast Guard.
9:10am:
Duck behind podium. Chug Dos Equis.
Begin speaking. Sound masculine.
Gentlemen a…
