By Allen Kayda, Terrorism Correspondent
Washington, DC — Following Antifa’s designation as a “Domestic Terrorist Organization” (DTO) under absent law, White House Deputy Chief-of-Staff Stephen Miller promised to “destroy other domestic terror movements funded by liberal philanthropists using Whole Foods gift cards.”
Anonymous sources suggest that DTOs go beyond black-clad anarchists. They include your neighbors, yoga instructor, and the acetaminophen pusher who gave your kid autism, including:
Mindfulness Militants: Radicalized by Headspace and herbal tea, these extremists weaponize inner peace. Known to chant “namaste” before detonating unsolicited advice about how to remain present and cleanse your aura.
The PTA (Parental Tyranny Alliance): Responsible for the most brutal domestic conflicts in modern American history: the 2019 "Nut-Free Barricade" and 2022 "Gifted Designation Massacre." Driven by “good parent” neuroses and fear of appearing uninvolved.
The Democratic Party: Not just libs — their logo is literally a jackass.
Comedians: Jokes prohibited unless directed toward pronouns, empathy, liberal tears, or Greta Thunberg.
HOAs (Homeowners Oppression Armies): Mandatory beige siding and surveillance-level lawn scrutiny forces residents to live in perpetually bland, rule-abiding conformity. Their motto: “Freedom dies in condos and cul-de-sacs.”
Kale-Qaeda: Seeks to replace all meat with textured vegetable protein. Known for kidnapping cattle farmers and forcing them to drink wheatgrass smoothies.
Starbucks: Matcha lattes with oat milk reduce MAGA bro testosterone. Their seasonal pumpkin spice offensive claims thousands of tastebuds annually.
Black Friday Commandos: Trained in hand-to-cart combat. Known to trample civilians in pursuit of discounted air fryers. Once inducted, all males take on the name “Chad” and females “Karen.”
Travel Soccer Parents: Woe to anyone who criticizes their future Pelé, these SUV lane cloggers have perfected the art of passive-aggressive sideline commentary and threatening teenage referees.
Public Radio Purists: Highly dangerous and well-funded with taxpayer money, they ooze intellectual superiority and will beat you with their tote bags if Ira Glass comes in for criticism.
Hula Hoop Retreat Centers: Enough said.