Presidential Drug Deal: Trump and Pfizer Launch “TrumpRX”
Cheap Pills, Big Deals, and Even Bigger Side Effects
By Misty Placebo, Health Reporter
Washington, D.C. — In an announcement longer than pharmaceutical trials and CVS receipts, President Trump unveiled a partnership with Pfizer to offer cheap direct-to-consumer prescription drugs via a new website: TrumpRX.
“It’s the art of the deal – but for your stomach issues,” said Trump. “You can get your prescriptions directly from me, dispensed by Trump University trained pharmacists. Pick up for free at any Trump hotel, golf course, or Mar-a-Lago.”
Health experts lauded the website’s fresh branding and lower prices but questioned the need to pay in $TRUMP memecoin and confirm you voted “correctly” before purchase.
FDA officials declined to comment when asked if they approved TrumpRX’s offerings but provided a list of medications:
Tremendium — A political mood stabilizer that turns “haters and losers” into MAGA superfans. Popular among tech billionaires and mistakenly distributed by the Kamala campaign in 2024. Side effects include overconfidence, xenophobia, and suspiciously low golf scores.
MAGAcilin — A full spectrum antibiotic for fighting foreign bacteria – now available for domestic too. Comes in red, white, and blue capsules stamped with: “Hey Illegal! Catch!”
Truth Social Security — Memory pills help recall every grievance…ever. Ensures nobody will forget about “the emails.”
WALL-OPIN — A broad-spectrum intestinal barrier that blocks the absorption of “negative news” and inconvenient facts. May cause empathy constipation and abdominal rigidity.
Truthitol — Chewable amnesia aid for Fox News anchors and Republican lawmakers. For when you need to conveniently shed your principles to parrot Truth Social posts. Causes crowd size and electoral hallucinations. Often paired with WALL-OPIN.
SCOTUS Salve — A fast-acting legal prophylactic. Clinically proven to dissolve felony convictions, pending investigations, and checks-and-balances. Provides more immunity than vaccinations. Usually paired with Indictamin, a legal stress suppressant containing 800mg of executive privilege.
MAGAderm Cream – Topical ointment for thin skin. Relieves inflammation caused by satire, subpoenas, and late-night comedy monologues.
Trumpagra – Relationship pill for surviving life with a rich, older, fat, and obnoxious spouse. Side effect: prenups.
Beyond single purchases, for $49.99 “TrumpRX Plus” offers a monthly randomized assortment of pills “the president believes might work.” Contents vary depending on mood, polling numbers, and which advisor caught his ear most recently.
AMA President Dr. Sarah Chen expressed concern: “We’re not sure these are actual medications. We asked for clinical trial data and got a Sharpie-edited hurricane map.”
But White House aides in freshly issued lab coats assured reporters that Trump will personally approve every drug, a process they described as “worth more than FDA approval.”