No Kings and Other Nightmares: What Scares Mike Johnson
“There’s No Bill of Rights in the Bible”
By Phil E. Buster, Congressional Correspondent
Washington, DC — Ahead of thousands of “No Kings” rallies today, House Speaker Mike Johnson sat down with Ridiculocracy to explain what keeps him up at night.
Peaceful Protests: “Clearly un-American,” the Speaker said. “I’m an originalist. The right to peaceably assemble is in the First Amendment. If it was so important, why didn’t the Founders include it in the original Constitution?”
Antifa: “Terrifying. They’re like ghosts. Nobody’s actually seen them, but SO many feel their presence. Especially when you walk past the Whole Foods freezer section. Shivers.”
Teddy Bears: “They’re soft and cute on the outside. But inside? Lumps of cotton wool lacking spine or conviction. Like RINOs. And Democrats.”
Unscented Soap: “I need something to mask the stink of complicity. Lavender reminds me of the sweet smell of January 6th.”
Clouds: “They’re here, then they’re gone. Where did they go? Spooky. Like Antifa.”
Taylor Swift: “She was the epitome of liberal decadence but married a manly Super Bowl champion. With a beard! It’s like deciding whether to use a nongendered bathroom when you really have to go. Life shouldn’t be ambiguous — like my feelings toward that man at the farmer’s market in Dupont.”
Penguins: “They lock eyes and waddle toward you. Slowly. Relentlessly. Expressionless. Like Jason from Halloween. What if they catch me? Also, some of them are gay. Is that so bad?”
Escalators: “Did you see what the socialist foreigners did to President Trump? Even working versions lull you into a false sense of upward mobility. Then they vanish. Like clouds. Or, heaven forbid (crossing himself), House majorities.”
Adelita Grijalva: “Every night, it’s the same dream: she’s sworn in, partying beside presidents Trump and Clinton on The Island. Colonel Sanders is there. Donald Duck too. Trump stops mid makeout with a trafficked underage American flag in fishnets and shoots me a disappointed stare. I scream out, ‘I’m sorry, Daddy! Not the covenant marriage belt again!’ I wake up in a cold sweat, heart racing.”
Marjorie Taylor Greene: “Like blasphemy of our lord and savior, MAGA disunity dishonors The Leader. I am supposed to be our leader in the House. Her shame stains us all. I fear His wrath.”
