Independent Monitor Lizard to Oversee Columbia University’s Re-Education
Once endangered, “Cold-Blooded Commissars” make comeback under Trump
By Ivana Tenure, Education Correspondent
New York, NY — August 5, 2025
Herpetologists are praising the Trump Administration’s appointment of an independent monitor lizard to oversee its $221 million settlement with Columbia University in exchange for ending federal civil rights investigations and employment claims.
The monitor is the third reptile that Trump has appointed to a federal oversight role after former DOGE head Elon Musk and Office of Management and Budget Director Russell Vought.
The lizard, a six-foot-long Savannah monitor named Comrade Varanus, was introduced at a press conference in Acting Columbia President Claire Shipman’s office, where he will enjoy a heat lamp and full access to Columbia’s computer systems, including faculty Teams chats.
Education Secretary Linda McMahon, who negotiated the agreement with Shipman, proclaimed “a new era of accountability. Columbia will be watched by a cold-blooded patriot with no tolerance for wokeness or tenured Marxists – ideal traits for overseeing a re-education process."
👅Tongue of Truth, Tail of Justice
According to the deal’s terms, Comrade Varanus will patrol Columbia’s campus, using its forked tongue to “smell out political disloyalty and ideological noncompliance.” Examples include the use of pronouns, anti-fracking sentiment, land acknowledgments, or failures to stand during mandatory screenings of The Apprentice: Director's Cut.
If the monitor detects these or other heresies, it is authorized to deliver “corrective tail strikes” to the offender. It has already reportedly concussed 15 members of Students for Justice in Palestine.
President Shipman issued a statement saying, “We welcome the monitor’s presence and hope it will not eat any adjuncts.”
"I'm not worried about Comrade Varanus," said Professor Leonard Wilks, chair of the Anthropology Department.
“Columbia already had a comprehensive monitoring program in place ensuring adherence to anti-capitalism, critical race theory, and postcolonialism. This just replaces Foucault, Edward Said, and Ibram X. Kendi with Trump and neofascism.”
🌴Florida: Breeding Ground for Invasive Species
Like Musk, monitors are not native to the United States but have become invasive, entitled, and over-confident in their federal oversight capabilities. They first entered the country through Florida, like several members of Trump’s cabinet, Burmese pythons, and meth-addled raccoons, several of whom now serve as deputy secretaries.
Dr. Sheila Fang, a zoologist at NYU, noted, “Monitors are solitary, territorial, and prone to sudden aggression. In many ways, they’re ideal for federal enforcement under the Trump Administration.”
🧢 Drain the Quad
If all goes well at Columbia, Secretary McMahon said she hopes to place a Savannah at Harvard, though the university is reportedly holding out for the largest and most prestigious member of the monitor lizard family: the Komodo Dragon.
Brown and the University of Pennsylvania avoided independent monitors in their deals, agreeing instead to “compliance monkeys” and “supervisory snakes.”