Inconvenient Facts? Doesn’t Fit the Narrative? Try History Eraser!
Just $19.99 (After $75 million Bribe)
By Penny Shill, White House Correspondent
Washington, DC — The White House announced Wednesday it will expand use of its new “History Eraser,” following a successful pilot program that removed references to George Washington’s slaveholding from Independence Mall, replacing them with pictures of President Trump’s 2020 inauguration.
“It’s basically Magic Eraser for the national conscience — like cutting your EX out of old photos,” said Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, demonstrating how the device can remove unwanted objects, people, or “other distractions” like the Indian Removal Act, minstrel shows, and climate change.
“Also, did America really need Jersey Shore?” she asked.
Leavitt confirmed that starting next year, January 7 will follow January 5, “since hotels skip the 13th floor.”
Officials stressed the recent disappearance of the Holocaust Memorial Museum has “nothing to do” with Nick Fuentes briefly borrowing a history eraser during the White House Columbus Day celebration.
Other “Historical Edits”:
The Salem Witch Trials — “immersive theater.”
The Constitution — clearly a rough draft. Also immutable.
Robber Barons — “early-stage disruptors.”
Trail of Tears — the first Boy Scout hike.
The “civil” War — polite debate between meat eaters (the Union) and vegetarians on “Plant Nations” (the Confederacy).
Reconstruction — upcoming Trump Kennedy Center renovations.
The 19th Amendment — men finally got women to accept the vote.
Japanese “intern men” camps — free housing and valuable networking opportunities.
The Great Depression — caused by “Biden inflation.”
The My Lai Massacre — a clumsy bartender’s epic tray drop.
The Moon Landing — a content collaboration.
The Tuskegee Experiment — see “Trail of Tears.”
Critical Race Theory — why the US Olympic Team wins so many medals.
Melania — 2026 Oscars sweep, including Best Picture and Best Gold Digger in a Leading Role.
Epstein — who?