George Washington Convenes Presidents Guild to Discuss Trump Attack on Free Speech
“He’s giving us bad press. I don’t know, maybe his President’s license should be taken away,” said the founding father.
By Mortimer Quill, Dead Presidents Correspondent
Mt. Vernon, VA. – George Washington convened the “Presidents Guild” yesterday following Donald Trump’s threat to revoke licenses from broadcasters who criticize him.
The Guild, which historians insist was “not in the Constitution but should have been” consists of the 41 deceased presidents who gather whenever their successors make “an especially dumb move.” It has met almost daily during Trump’s two administrations and convened after the withdrawal from Afghanistan, the decision to invade Iraq, and the Lewinsky scandal.
(Despite intense lobbying, the Guild denied entry to Alexander Hamilton. “That guy puts out more tweets than Elon,” said Garfield. “But it’s simple. Not a president.”)
“Gentlemen, and Teddy,” Washington said solemnly, opening the meeting. “We are here to discuss revoking Donald J. Trump’s license to be president. I did not cross the Delaware so an orange wig-stand could gripe about comedians hurting his feelings. Has Mr. Trump mistaken the presidency for The Apprentice?”
“What’s the problem?” asked John Adams. “The Sedition Act lets the President imprison anyone for publishing ‘false, scandalous, or malicious writing.’ Totally legal.”
“That expired in 1801,” James Madison retorted. “I wrote the first amendment. There’s no ‘teacup’ exception.”
“If I had to choose a government without newspapers, or newspapers without a government, I’d pick the latter,” said Thomas Jefferson. “Cable news and X though…the woke mainstream hammered me for ‘all men are created equal’ while owning slaves, but I never cried ‘microaggression.’”
“I suspended habeas corpus for the civil war; Trump wants to suspend the first amendment because SNL makes him look dumpy. Vanity’s not grounds for dictatorship—or they’d have outlawed my hat,” said Lincoln.
“Gentlemen, gentlemen, cut Trump some slack. Who here hasn’t tried to silence the press?” asked Nixon. “His real crime was doing it openly.”
“Bully! The press exists to call out scoundrels, not flatter them!” exclaimed Teddy Roosevelt.
“Ask not what the press can do for you—stop doing stupid shit, and they’ll stop reporting it,” said JFK. “Also, RFK Jr., WTF?”
With that, Washington closed debate. The Guild voted 38-3 to revoke Trump’s presidential license, with Adams, Andrew Jackson, and Nixon the only “nays.”
“Let them enforce it,” chuckled Jackson.
“History will be the judge—and satire the bailiff,” said Washington. “If they don’t cancel all the comedians.”
After the vote, Trump unleashed a Truth:
George Washington. TOTALLY OVERRATED. Couldn't even keep his teeth. Teddy: stuffed bears. Really? JFK–Good hair, bad decisions. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
“There you go again, Donald,” sighed Reagan.