DOJ to Expand “Anti-Weaponization” Fund to Murderers, Rapists, and Pedophiles
“If they support the President, they’re eligible,” said acting AG Blanche.
By Wynne Fal, Taxpayer Slush Fund Correspondent
Washington, DC — Trump supporters rushed to assault federal buildings Friday, hoping for payouts from the Department of Justice’s $1.776 billion “anti-weaponization” fund.
On Constitution Avenue, a “Start the Steal” rally ransacked the National Archives.
“We busted in and tore up that papyrus with all the faded signatures,” boasted Larry Gladde, sporting a “January 6, 2021 – Day of Love” tattoo. “Now we’re gonna get paid!”
“What better way to support our country on its 250th anniversary than to give the hard earned taxpayer money that DOGE saved us back to American patriots?” asked White House Communications Director, Steven Cheung.
Private donors pledged to pay what was initially a $1,776 settlement, but House Speaker Mike Johnson slipped the extra $1.77599 billion into the COUP bill (Compensation for Outlaw Uprising Participants) alongside East Wing funding.
Republicans are preparing additional legislation. The FELON Act (Federal Entitlements for Lawbreakers and Outlaws Nationwide) would require applicants to submit proof of conviction and at least one form of loyalty verification:
“Correct” voter registration
$Trumpcoin investment receipt
Torn Melania ticket
Social media screenshot “owning the Libs.”
“Some are calling it the ‘free Ghislaine’ bill,” said Senate Majority Leader John Thune, wincing. “But I support it. How can you be against freedom and President Trump?”
Reactions
Eric Trump released a statement and photo expressing strong support for the fund and legislation. President Trump immediately reposted on Truth Social, driving a sharp rise in ICEE’s stock valuation.
RFK Jr. tweeted his support for the Trump family’s immunity from tax fraud prosecution as part of the DOJ settlement that created the “anti-weaponization” fund but reassured MAHA he was “still anti-vax.”
Democrats came out strongly against both COUP and FELON, but some later crossed the aisle in a show of bipartisanship for a new multi-billion dollar social assistance program.
“I received 11 stitches, a fractured rib, and have yet to be reimbursed for my PTSD therapy, and insurrectionists are getting $400,000 payments?” exclaimed Capitol Police officer Ray Smith, on disability.
“Submit your apology, and we’ll see what we can do,” replied acting AG Blanche.