Bored of Peace
After Ending 8 (Some Say 9) Wars, Trump Turns to Military Action
By Rip M. Apart, War Correspondent
Davos, Switzerland — After now ending 9 (really 10.5, when you think about it) wars, receiving the FIFA and Nobel peace prizes, and accepting whatever this was from Apple CEO Tim Cook…
…President Trump announced he is “bored of peace” and has directed US forces to begin shooting unarmed mothers of three and ICU nurses abroad in addition to domestically.
“Peace is great,” the President said, yawning. “But SO boring. Nothing happens. Snatching Maduro? AWESOME. Threatening to annex Greenland? I didn’t even use force — though we’d be unstoppable — and everyone lost their minds. Great ratings! On to Iran.”
Trump continued: “Who does history remember? Alexander the Great. Napoleon. Hitler. Putin. Palpatine. Thanos. All heroic conquerors. But none as great as me. The presidential walk of fame says so.”
Since Trump’s pivot, world leaders, corporate CEOs, Republican congressmen, and other former daily Nobel nominators have started calling him “the most warlike President in history” and “Genghis Khan with a red tie.”
FIFA President Giovanni Infantino praised Trump’s “bold return to violence,” noting the FIFA trophy “can also be used to bludgeon Greenlandic caribou and Minneapolis protesters.” He added that the hands reaching up to hold the globe “represent President Trump’s victims, buried alive, grasping for air.”
Board of War
To help Trump, at least 19 countries have pledged to continue fomenting conflict around the globe, including in majority Democratic states ahead of the US midterms.
The UAE and Saudi Arabia announced they were proud to keep funneling arms to different sides in Sudan’s civil war “until more people die than through USAID cuts.” Riyadh also proposed “Board of Piece(s)” to commemorate Jamal Khashoggi.
