America’s Wheels Come Off

Tire Malfunction Epidemic Hits Cars, Bikes, even Big Wheels

By Skid Marks, Transportation Correspondent

Everywhere, USA – All across America, wheels are flying off cars, motorcycles, Segways, Off Road Vehicles, and even Pelotons, injuring hundreds, closing schools, and inspiring millions to avoid circular motion.

“I was on my way to work listening to Russ Vought talk about reaping more federal scalps, when my tire exploded,” said Jose Cruz, a CPA in Sacramento. “Later that evening, my daughter’s bike wheel flew off, veering into a polling station. Crazy!”

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt assured reporters that, “the wheels are simply expressing their freedom of movement under the Constitution.”

But the Administration was forced to acknowledge the issue after hundreds-of-thousands of viewers watched the “Panda Cam” in horror: a tire from President Trump’s passing limo discharged, skipped through the flamingo pond, and killed Bao Li, mid bamboo chew. Mulching nearby, National Guardsmen rescued the President, who careened off the road.