After Shutdown, Federal Workers Start Charging the Government for Services

“We’re just following POTUS’s lead,” said an Oak Ridge nuclear scientist. “BTW, today’s cost for no accidents is $40,000. Up front. In cash.”

By Luce Widafax, National Correspondent

Washington, DC – Now that Feds are back at work, cabinet secretaries and other political appointees have noticed a trend: employees charging them for doing their jobs.

“I expected to read my daily intel this morning, like usual,” said National Security Advisor and Secretary of State Marco Rubio. “But when I opened my classified iPad, I had to provide my credit card and choose a monthly or annual subscription to the President’s Daily Brief. Even then, the mid-roll ads kept offering upgrades to ‘non-politicized.’”

Rubio said a CIA analyst later Venmo-requested $500 for a 30-minute deep dive, though it included a complementary PDF and link to the analyst’s Substack.

The PDB’s new tiered pricing model.

War Secretary Pete Hegseth reported a tense moment in a secure Signal chat: “I got a call from a pilot about to blow up a Caribbean fishing traw—uh, narcoboat—when he radioed: ‘$1,000 and a signed war crimes waiver, or I’m turning this drone around.’”