After Norway, Trump Demands Other World Leaders Give Him Things They Don’t Control
President Furious to Learn “Allies” Don’t Control Michelin Stars, BTS Tickets, or Ancient Ruins
By Rip Diplomacy, Foreign Affairs Correspondent
Cyberspace — In what world leaders are calling “the weirdest group chat in geopolitical history,” President Trump spent the weekend threatening them for “deciding not to give me” honors and items they do not control.
Aides said the president became increasingly frustrated after learning that the heads of democratic allied governments do not distribute many of the world’s most coveted prizes, titles, and luxury goods, as do Arab Gulf kingdoms and Russia.
“He told me he was going to annex Sardinia because Canada didn’t give him a Michelin star,” said Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney. “I tried to explain that Michelin is a French tire company, and Sardinia is Italian. He said I should just threaten to blockade Tripoli and ‘take the oil.’”
Ridiculocracy was accidentally added to the leaders’ Signal chat, where Trump also sent the below five texts:
1. To King Charles III of the United Kingdom
Chaz: Since your Country did not give me the Legion of Honor — even after I brought Peace, Prosperity, and Golf to Scotland — I am no longer bound to eat McDonald’s fish filets on Fridays. I am now free to consider what is good and proper for the United States, including taking over Gibraltar. The World is not secure unless America has Complete and TOTAL Control of the Rock. Otherwise, we will be at the mercy of invading Moorish hordes. Thank you! President DJT
