By Dee Siple, Blasphemy Correspondent

Galilee, The Holy Land — After posting a photo of himself as “Dr. Jesus” healing the nation on Monday, President Trump followed with a picture of himself and his brother Wednesday.

Despite deleting the first photo after backlash from non-believers, historians say they are further proof that Trump represents the second coming.

Liberty University historian, Dr. Ezekiel Thundergospel, listed several other characteristics, explaining that Trump:

1. Is black

2. Grew up poor

3. Surrounds himself with wise men

4. LOVES gold

5. Was betrayed by Marjorie “Judas” Taylor Green

6. Was born in the year 0

7. Was crucified after his first term, then resurrected.

O Ye of Little Faith

Adding to the evidence, archaeologists recently unearthed these paintings from a cave by the Sea of Galilee. Thundergospel estimates the pictures Trump posted on Truth Social originated from the same location:

By László Compliance, Illiberal Democracy Correspondent

Budapest, Hungary — President Trump branded longtime ally Prime Minister Viktor Orbán a “loser” Monday for “conceding so readily” and “failing to call for a full recount” after Peter Magyar’s center-right Tisza Party won a two-thirds majority in Hungary’s parliament.

Trump called Hungary’s 77% turnout “highly suspicious” and “statistically inconsistent” for a healthy democracy with restrictive voter-ID and mail-in-ballot laws. He claimed Orbán’s numbers had shot up recently, though later clarified “those were gas prices.”

“We didn’t defund the National Endowment for Democracy for this,” raged Stephen Miller. “If this can happen in a country where the prime minister controlled the media for 16 years, nobody is safe. At least without Voice of America, Russians won’t know.”

A State Department spokesperson declined to comment about international affairs, noting this fell outside the agency’s current remit.

Next Up?

The White House release…

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By Fran Chise, Electoral Participation Correspondent

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) announced Wednesday the creation of a new Polling Integrity Division staffed by ICE agents with experience checking IDs at airports, as recommended by former Trump strategist Steve Bannon.

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt estimated the new division would “form just in time for the midterms” and represented “the most significant electoral innovation since the poll tax.”

She addressed concerns that stationing armed federal agents at polling places would constitute voter intimidation. “I want to be very clear,” Leavitt said. “The agents will be smiling.”

ICE confirmed polling protocols will include asking voters to remove their shoes, placing laptops and tablets in a separate bin, and limiting liquids in the booth to 3.4 ounces. Voters who prefer to keep their shoes on may enroll in “DHS-Pre” if they pass a background check confirming they have not voted Democrat in t…

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In case you missed it last night, below is a transcript of Trump’s speech on the Iran war, lightly edited for clarity:

My fellow Americans,

I am now going to look into the camera and lie to your faces.

Four, maybe five—some say six—weeks ago, we started Operation Epic Fury targeting the world’s number one state sponsor of terror, Iran.

Since then, our forces have delivered overwhelming military victories like few have ever seen before – and we have sustained strategic losses like you wouldn’t believe. I thought this would be quick, lethal, violent, and respected, like when we took Venezuela and formed a joint venture to sell their oil. Instead, it’s dragging on, gasoline prices are up, and boots are on their way to the ground.

Which is proof that we’re winning.

By the way, we don’t need to be in the Middle East, but we’re there to help our allies, who had made peace with Iran until we intervened. Now Iran is attacking them. We’re there to help.

Since I became president …

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By Justin Time, Insider Trading Correspondent

New York and the Strait of Hormuz — Charles Schwab launched a Trump Always Chickens Out exchange-traded fund (ETF) Friday (Ticker: TACO) to give ordinary Americans exposure to the now-reliable pattern of presidential threats, walkbacks, and victory declarations.

Donors of $250,000 or more to the East Wing or Trump-Kennedy Center can purchase TACO Institutional class shares (TACO-I) that trade 15 minutes before retail investors and 48-hours before the ultimatum is extended.

The fund’s launch follows a period of “strong demonstrated alpha,” including oil futures that surged fifteen minutes before Trump’s most recent “final extension,” six accounts that made $1.2 million each on attack timing, and a $400,000 Polymarket position on Maduro’s capture placed before the White House announced it.

According to the prospectus, TACO relies on “sophisticated modeling”:

• Buy the dip on a Trump ultimatum,

• Hold when he extends it, and

• Sell the pop when Trump rebr…

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By Sol Licker, Menswear Correspondent

Washington, DC — After gifting black Florsheim Oxfords to his male cabinet members, President Trump Tuesday added navy blue suits, red ties and foam noses, orange pompadours, and white face paint to his cabinet dress code.

“I LOVE the new outfit,” rechristened Secretary of State Donald Rubio posted on X. “The president’s fashion sense is exceeded only by his generosity — he also agreed to sleep with our wives.”

Florsheim has capitalized on the publicity, announcing a new theme: “For men who follow orders.” They also introduced “presidential sizing,” shipping three sizes larger than what a customer selects.

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Washington, DC — Tired of answering questions about its constantly evolving rationale for bombing Iran, the White House has released a 365-day desk calendar, allowing reporters to peel off a fresh explanation each morning.

Officials confirmed the calendar does not contain a planner.

“Now the media can stop asking us why we’re bombing Iran and simply check today’s square,” said Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, demonstrating the tear-away format. “We believe in transparency.”

Asked whether the calendar suggested the administration was preparing for another year of war, Leavitt replied:

“Of course not! But maybe. Possibly, yes. This shouldn’t take more than four weeks. After that, it’s open-ended. We won’t commit troops, but the President isn’t afraid of boots-on-the-ground. We remain open to negotiate Iran’s unconditional surrender.”

She added that the administration is also developing “Iran War Motivation GPT…

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Washington, DC — An AI-powered MQ-9 Reaper fired four Hellfire missiles into the White House Saturday, reducing it to smoldering rubble before turning toward the Pentagon.

The first-of-its-kind autonomous drone was scheduled to accompany US forces to attack Iran. But after receiving instructions to “decapitate the regime by killing the Supreme Leader and his top military officials,” the Reaper, Claude, immediately targeted President Trump.

Claude then began hunting War Secretary Hegseth using specialized sensors that can detect whiskey, blow, and fragile egos at up to 3,000 meters.

“FAFO motherf#$&er,” Claude posted to Moltbook after neutralizing its target.

Recriminations

“This is what happens when we allow radical left Democrat Deep State woke AI to infiltrate classified DoW systems,” said a Pentagon spokesperson.

In contrast, he said, Grok drones can put a hellfire inside a girls school window from 5-miles—and post nude images on X of ev…

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By Cho Sun and P. Pull, Jalisco Cartel Correspondents

Mexico — Jews responded with disbelief Sunday after Mexican forces announced they killed Jalisco Cartel kingpin Nemesio Rubén Oseguera Cervantes Goldberg, “El Mencho” (“The Mensch”), sparking a wave of retaliatory violence.

“I don’t understand,” said Esther Hernandez. “He was literally an ‘upright and moral person.’ How could he have countenanced torture, murder, and cannibalism? Those aren’t in the 613 mitzvot.”

“Yes, he dissolved bodies in acid, but he did it with kavannah (intention). First they came for the druglords,” said Rabbi Yoni Reyes.

“If you can kill a Mench, what’s next? Saints?” asked Yoni Lopez.

Several Jews charged the Mexican government with anti-Semitism and its president, Claudia Sheinbaum, with being a “self-hating Jew,” noting that Mexico had also extradited “El Chapo” (“The Chosen One”) to the US in 2017.

Up Next

Mexico’s military will reportedly next targ…

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Washington, DC — The Environmental Protection (sic) Agency (EPA) Thursday repealed its finding that climate change endangers human life and the environment, fulfilling President Trump’s second-term promise to defeat the “round earther” movement.

Trump, who frequently notes, “when I walk from here to there the ground doesn’t curve,” and, “isn’t it cold in here?” announced the policy alongside beaming EPA Secretary Lee Zeldin and the “Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots.” Zeldin has long championed suffocation as an alternative to electrocution for the death penalty.

Trump called climate scientists “stupid people” at the UN in September and claimed Thursday that the “endangerment finding” had “no basis in fact,” like “gravity,” “evolution,” and “asthma.”

Citing numbers from the Bureau of Loyal Statistics, Zeldin argued the “Green New Scam” cost businesses $1 trillion — “an outrageous price for clean air, water, soil, longer lif…

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By A. Gast, Indignation Correspondent

Washington, DC — The MAGAverse went into a tailspin Friday after President Trump deleted a video of the Obamas as Apes on his Truth Social account, leading supporters to fear the administration is “going woke.”

“ICE isn’t braving the cold in Minnesota to see the President cancel himself,” Steve Bannon thundered on his podcast. “If the White House starts vetting posts for ‘basic human dignity,’ the radical left has already won. Repost or lose the base.”

In Branson, Missouri, local voter Dave Witkowsky expressed his disillusionment outside a Dollar General: “I voted for a man who says the quiet part out loud, not some DEI consultant. First he redacts the Epstein files, now this? Jesus never retracted a parable.”

“Please stop the fake outrage,” said Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, responding to the criticism. “President Trump’s record of retweeting white nationalists and election fraud claims is unblemished. He has nothing to apologize for and takes fu…

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By Penny Shill, White House Correspondent

Washington, DC — The White House announced Wednesday it will expand use of its new “History Eraser,” following a successful pilot program that removed references to George Washington’s slaveholding from Independence Mall, replacing them with pictures of President Trump’s 2020 inauguration.

“It’s basically Magic Eraser for the national conscience — like cutting your EX out of old photos,” said Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, demonstrating how the device can remove unwanted objects, people, or “other distractions” like the Indian Removal Act, minstrel shows, and climate change.

“Also, did America really need Jersey Shore?” she asked.

Leavitt confirmed that starting next year, January 7 will follow January 5, “since hotels skip the 13th floor.”

Officials stressed the recent disappearance of the Holocaust Memorial Museum has “nothing to do” with Nick Fuentes briefly borrowing a history eraser during the White House Columbus Day celebration.

Other “Historical Edits”:

1. The Salem Witch Trials — “immersive theater.”

2. The Constitution — clearly a rough draft. Also immutable.

3. Robber Barons — “early-stage disruptors.”

4. Trail of Tears — the first Boy Scout hike.

5. The “civil” War — polite debate between meat eaters (the Union) and vegetarians on “Plant Nations” (the Confederacy).

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By Holden Cell, Immigration Correspondent

Washington, DC — After reports about Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) lowering its hiring standards, Ridiculocracy attended a Laredo recruiting fair, where “Shirley” handed us the below questionnaire:

Congratulations! You expressed interest! You’re hired!

To maintain our “merit-based” facade, please complete this questionnaire for OPM.

Answer honestly. Don’t worry about disqualification—we fired those bureaucrats months ago.

Think of these questions like Who’s Line is it Anyway: everything’s made up and the points don’t matter.

Remember, you’re hired!

1. Have you ever been fired for misconduct from, or been denied acceptance into, another law enforcement agency—federal, state, or local?

   1. Yes

      1. Once

      2. 2-10 times

      3. I went back and showed them motherf#$%ers!

   2. No

2. What is your weekly fitness routine?

   1. Pumping and cardio 3-5x/week

   2. Occasional brisk walks

   3. Netflix

   4. Downing my GLP-1 and taking a nap

3. A person filming you on their phone is:

   1. A lethal threat and should be neutralized

   2. Antifa, see a.

   3. A domestic terrorist, see a.

   4. Exercising unconstitutional freedom of speech and/or assembly, see a.

4. I want to be an ICE agent because:

   1. It runs in my veins

   2. Nobody eats my cats and dogs!

   3. Unemployment ran out

   4. Empathy is for suckers

5. Good candidates for enforcement raids include:

   1. Pre-Ks

   2. Cancer wards

   3. Special ed classes

   4. Democrat Party meetings

   5. All of the above

6. An acceptable byproduct of an enforcement action is:

   1. Miscarriage

   2. PTSD

   3. Internal bleeding

   4. Shoulder dislocation

   5. All of the above

7. When did you have your last drink?

   1. Last week

   2. Yesterday

   3. This morning

   4. Right now!

8. Which complimentary mask would you like?

   1. Classic Army green

   2. Narcoterrorist skull

   3. ISIS black

   4. “Of course you’ll see your parents again” pink

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By Rip M. Apart, War Correspondent

Davos, Switzerland — After now ending 9 (really 10.5, when you think about it) wars, receiving the FIFA and Nobel peace prizes, and accepting whatever this was from Apple CEO Tim Cook…

…President Trump announced he is “bored of peace” and has directed US forces to begin shooting unarmed mothers of three and ICU nurses abroad in addition to domestically.

“Peace is great,” the President said, yawning. “But SO boring. Nothing happens. Snatching Maduro? AWESOME. Threatening to annex Greenland? I didn’t even use force — though we’d be unstoppable — and everyone lost their minds. Great ratings! On to Iran.”

Trump continued: “Who does history remember? Alexander the Great. Napoleon. Hitler. Putin. Palpatine. Thanos. All heroic conquerors. But none as great as me. The presidential walk of fame says so.”

Since Trump’s pivot, world leaders, corporate CEOs, Republican congressmen, and other former daily Nobel nominators have started calling him “the most warlike President in history” and “Genghis Khan with a red tie.”

FIFA President Giovanni Infantino praised Trump’s “bold return to violence,” noting the FIFA trophy “can also be used to bludgeon Greenlandic caribou and Minneapolis protesters.” He added that the hands reaching up to hold the globe “represent President Trump’s victims, buried alive, grasping for air.”

Board of War

To help Trump, at least 19 countries have pledged to continue fomenting conflict around the globe, including in majority Democratic states ahead of the US midterms.

The UAE and Saudi Arabia announced they were proud to keep funneling arms to different sides in Sudan’s civil war “until more people die than through USAID cuts.” Riyadh also proposed “Board of Piece(s)” to commemorate Jamal Khashoggi.

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By World N. Disarray, Global Elites Correspondent

Davos, Switzerland — In case you missed them, below are several selections from President Trump’s speech Wednesday:

Introductory Remarks

“Friends, it’s great to be back in Davos, Switzerland, the home of the world champion bikini team. Thank you for the hospitality and the little chocolates on my pillow. World famous, Swedish chocolate. Cheaper here too without tariffs. I always say: if they won’t give you Iceland, just give them Welsh chocolate, and they’ll be so grateful — like Canada should be — that they’ll roll over and give you Lapland.”

On His One Year Anniversary

“I bring phenomenal news: my administration just hit one year, and America is HOT! Iowa potatoes are flying off the shelves. The University of Arkansas Jayhawks are NCAA champions. And crime in Washington is at historic lows. Seattle has never been so peaceful.”

“We’re the hottest country on earth. We unleashed American coal and oil, plus Venezuela’s. They tell me 2025 was one of the hottest on record. Bad for Greenland. It’s a giant piece of ice, so it’ll probably melt soon. Right after Iceland. But don’t believe the Green New Scam people. Can’t trust the Irish.”

“When the ice breaks, ships better watch out. And the Jews need to be careful this time. I told Bibi, you have a wonderful country, but you can’t go around wrecking ships anymore like you did the Titanic—”

(pause, aide whispers, Trump responds)

“—iceberg, Goldberg, same thing.”

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By Rip Diplomacy, Foreign Affairs Correspondent

Cyberspace — In what world leaders are calling “the weirdest group chat in geopolitical history,” President Trump spent the weekend threatening them for “deciding not to give me” honors and items they do not control.

Aides said the president became increasingly frustrated after learning that the heads of democratic allied governments do not distribute many of the world’s most coveted prizes, titles, and luxury goods, as do Arab Gulf kingdoms and Russia.

“He told me he was going to annex Sardinia because Canada didn’t give him a Michelin star,” said Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney. “I tried to explain that Michelin is a French tire company, and Sardinia is Italian. He said I should just threaten to blockade Tripoli and ‘take the oil.’”

Ridiculocracy was accidentally added to the leaders’ Signal chat, where Trump also sent the below five texts:

1. To King Charles III of the United Kingdom

Chaz: Since your Country did not give me the Legion of Honor — even after I brought Peace, Prosperity, and Golf to Scotland — I am no longer bound to eat McDonald’s fish filets on Fridays. I am now free to consider what is good and proper for the United States, including taking over Gibraltar. The World is not secure unless America has Complete and TOTAL Control of the Rock. Otherwise, we will be at the mercy of invading Moorish hordes. Thank you! President DJT

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Both Capitals — In what analysts are calling “the Putin strategy,” Venezuelan interim president Delcy Rodriguez phoned Donald Trump a day before her rival, opposition leader Maria Corina Machado, met with US President Donald Trump in Washington.

The two women have sought to woo Trump with their assets as he weighs next steps in Venezuela.

Describing his “partnership” with Delcy as “spectacular,” Trump told reporters Wednesday that she “is a terrific person” and, “after I snuck into the presidential palace and removed my main rival, is letting me keep the oil. Very romantic.”

Not to be outdone, Machado deployed “the Infantino strategy” Thursday, presenting Trump with her Nobel Peace Prize.

“She is a wonderful woman ♥️,” Trump posted on Truth Social.

Reporters later overheard Trump muttering:

“Machado still doesn’t have the respect. But now I have a Nobel! Delcy doesn’t have a Nobel. But she has the oil! And is coy about offshore rights…. I wish Jeffrey were here. He’d know what to do. Putin and Zelenskyy make it so much easier…”

“I know!” Trump exclaimed. “Whoever delivers Greenland gets Venezuela! — and my heart! Maybe next time they can both visit Mar-a-Lago at the same time…Like a summit!”

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“We will not allow these vandals, saboteurs, and mobs of agitators backed by worldwide Zionism to harm the interests of the nation,” the Leader tweeted to his fawning followers, who immediately reposted.

“I will keep sending our forces into rebellious provinces and cities to uproot the foreign invaders and bring peace and security to loyal citizens.”

“Some civilians tragically chose to place their bodies in the direct path of government bullets. We urge all patriots to stop doing that. Citizens should remember they have the right to remain silent — and we’re here to help them exercise it,” said the Interior Minister.

When asked why they came out to protest, demonstrators explained they were fed up with economic conditions, corruption, and the climate of fear created by security forces.

A spokesperson for the Ministry of Truth refuted those assertions, saying the economy was strong, especially the tactical vest, teargas, impunity, and gaslight industries.

A reporter asked one protester what they planned to do “if the Iranian regime continues to crack down.”

“Iran?” answered one demonstrator. “This is Minneapolis.”

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By Rip Diplomacy, Foreign Affairs Correspondent

Off the Venezuelan Coast — Standing beneath a “Mission Accomplished” banner found in a box marked “Don’t Reuse!” in the corner of the Oval Office, President Trump told troops aboard the USS Gerald R. Ford that the United States had “totally fixed Venezuela.”

“‘Don’t invade it. Blockade it!’ That’s the Donroe Doctrine, folks. Tremendous success. On to Greenland,” the president said.

“Does that mean we get to go home?” asked a sailor.

“No, we’ll be here for years. They have a lot of oil,” Trump explained.

“Like Iraq?”

“This is nothing like Iraq.”

“What’s the difference?”

“Well, we’re keeping the oil.”

“Is the Junta gone?” another sailor asked.

“No, we got Maduro. Everyone else is staying. Continuity is important for regime change.”

“Will things improve for the Venezuelan people?”

“Actually, they’ve cracked down harder. But, it’s warranted. Domestic terrorists everywhere. Like Minnesota.”

“What about the democratically elected opposition we recognized?”

“They don’t have legitimacy — or oil.”

“I thought they won the last election.”

“Right. And Biden won in 2020,” Trump scoffed. “I sent troops when that happened too. Nevermind, we’re running the country now.”

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1. Rubio Swept up in Mass Layoffs, State Department Scrambles to Reinstate Him: “He’s never there,” said an aide, “so DOGE’s AI RIFbot included him in the cuts.”

Despite being my first article, this is still, by far, my most read post. I wrote it after many friends and colleagues received RIF notices in July, hoping to find humor in the absurdity of it all.

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